Learning to appreciate the gift of life—
“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.” ―Alice Walker
Dear Diary,
September is Suicide Awareness Month so, as we near the end of this month, I feel moved to write about my journey with mental health and suicide. This month has had its ups and downs, but when I reflect on how much I've grown since my last attempt, I continue to appreciate how far I've come.
Recently, UK artist Stormzy had dropped a creative masterpiece that is the "Mel Made Me Do It" music video. There is a part in the video where Michaela Coel performs a spoken word written by Wretch 32 as major UK figures and legends gathered together in solidarity. One of the lines that deeply resonated with me was:
"This isn't destroy and rebuild. This is I love my future more than I hate parts of my history." ―Michaela Coel
I thought of all the moments I felt restrained from and ashamed of my past--my trauma. I thought about my occasional inner obsession with wanting to disappear and start life all over again. I thought about how much I've learned to accept myself, my story, and the lessons learned from my experiences. I thought about how, although I do still get suicidal thoughts here and there, my love for life has grown stronger than the urges to jump ship in times of "the storm". The "storm" symbolizes trying to function with poor mental health, the hard periods in which I felt lost or overwhelmed, and the excessive burnout.
"The color red signifies strength, power, courage, passion ... life. All the things I regained once I chose to live again and rise from the ashes like a Phoenix only to emerge stronger, smarter, and more powerful. This time I chose to heal; not just for me, but for my inner child as well. This time I chose to move with purpose and love with the intention of being who and what God made me to be―a flawed human filled with grace, talent, and ever-developing potential. This time, I chose to embrace the gift of life and the storms that come with it; having faith that, with God's guidance, I can maintain peace in both. Besides, it's the least I can do for myself." ―Benita Ngozi
June 7th of this year marked the 5 year anniversary of my fourth and final suicide attempt; or as I like to call it, my Reborn Day. Yes, you read that right. I've attempted to end my life four times--each time was more risky than the last. I won't go into much detail as to how each time happened, on this post because I want to save that for something special. I want to be intentional on how I tell my story and to do it in a way that touches many hearts. What I will say is, on that summer afternoon after texting my friends that I loved them and indulging in what I thought was a means to an end, I had a moment. My eyes became blurry with tears and all I could see was my younger self. I could see her looking back at me confused, disappointed almost, that I had lost hope.
I remembered the optimistic young girl who dreamed big and moved with confidence. I hurt at the fact that I had allowed people to convince me that I was small ... that I was nothing ... that I would amount to nothing. Even if I never fully believed those things, I mindlessly moved as if I did. I hurt at the fact that I had allowed my traumatic experiences to isolate my true self. Unintentionally soaking up all of the negativity while failing to keep the heart and dreams of my inner child safe. What I failed to realize was that I didn't know any better. What I failed to realize was that I was not responsible for how people treated me, especially as a child and young adolescent trying to navigate her way through life. What I failed to realize was that I still have the rest of my life to turn things around and make things right ... but you know anxiety and depression make you see otherwise.
I then thought of my youngest brother, Onyeka. Our bond is like no other and the thought of leaving him to wonder why his sister is no longer with him made me instantly regret succumbing to my poisonous thoughts. He nor my younger self deserved that.
Don't you still want to see the world? Don't you still want to live out your dreams of being an artistic storm that need not be reckoned with? Don't you still want to make a difference in the world? Don't you still want to create the family you never got to have--one with kindness, care, respect, and intention? Don't you deserve to live to experience the good things in life and the blessings God has made for you? Don't you want to live and enjoy the fruits of your labour? Now is not the time to give up.
That is all I could hear my inner voice telling me as I thought about the two. I felt as though my decision was impulsive and somewhat selfish. Maybe I did have some fight left? I just needed to take my life back. I needed to learn to stop running from my problems. I needed to show them both that there was a way to overcome the darkness. Even though I didn't have the tools, I was going to dedicate the next chapter of my life to finding and implementing them. I was going to turn my pain into power and be a testament for others some day. I was going to learn how to keep on living.
Long story short, after the epiphanic moment that afternoon, I had taken the steps to reverse the effects of my poison and was on a path to recovery. I promised myself that that would be the last time I allow something or someone take me to the point of trying to end my life. I promised myself to learn to no longer give people control over how I react. I promised myself to love life more than the urge to hurt myself, whether it be temporary or permanent.
I was going to have the chance to wake up another day and try again at being the best person I can be ... or just being human, but loving every part of myself--the good, the tolerable, and the bad. At the end of the day, I am the only person who has to live with myself 24/7.
I understand that there will be draining or devastating periods coming my way, and that I may not always be prepared for them. I understand how inevitable and sudden change can be. But today I choose to celebrate each victory regardless: making art, eating regularly, connecting with friends, and anything that signifies a win in this battle against mental health. So with this one chance I have, until it's my time to depart from this beautiful creation called Earth, I will appreciate the most amazing gift of them all--life.
"The worth and meaning of a gift do not come from the size of the box, its monetary value, or even the ribbon that adorns it. Its meaning comes from how it makes you feel inside as the recipient and as the giver. The greatest gifts are not boxes filled with things, but beautiful presents that hold so much more: love, kindness, selflessness, and gratitude. They all make up the beautiful gift of life." ―Ashley Ballou-Bonnema
I deserve that miraculous gift.
"This gift I have been given is immeasurable. It is priceless. It is irreplaceable. It cannot be simply wrapped in a box, adorned with the most ornate bow. This most extraordinary gift is my life: made up of beautiful breaths, unconditional love, and endless gratitude." ―Ashley Ballou-Bonnema
5th Year Anniversary of my Rebirth (2022)
These past 5 years have taught me so much and I continue to look forward to what the next years have in store. I still have my hard days and dark periods of sadness, but I'm grateful for the journey and relationships formed since starting this chapter. One thing I've learned thus far is that it's better to have a community/support system than to go through life alone. As I've grown, I've attracted such genuine and kind-hearted people that understand me and surround me with love. I'm learning to be more intentional about my boundaries as well so that all my relationships, both old and new, can be healthy.
I also want to take this moment to share my condolences with all the of the innocent people who lost their battle with mental health this year and those previously. You are missed dearly by someone out there. I hope you can feel their love for you now that you have found peace. I hope your story moves others to be more intentional with their loved ones that are openly struggling with mental health and to check-in on the loved ones that don't share as much.
If you're a person who struggles with suicidal thoughts, I pray that you're able to find at least one person that you can confide in and heal with as well as a therapist that understands you and communicates to you in a way that will help you cope with life better. I pray that you have those one-on-one reflections with your inner child to let them know that, despite the periods in which you lose hope, you will choose to push forward because you both deserve better. I pray that your love and appreciation for life will out-grow all the negativity that comes your way.
I believe in you and I am sending you all of my love!
With love,
BG
xxx
HELP IS AVAILABLE Speak with someone today at the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is a United States-based suicide prevention network of over 200+ crisis centers that provides 24/7 service via a toll-free hotline with the number 9-8-8. It is available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.
I’m so proud of you and I’m glad you’re here ❤️